Of course I love dogs! I absolutely adore stepping over your dog’s river of urine on my way to work!
My
fiance, fed up with my constant whining and negativity, encouraged me to
channel my colorful ranting into a blog, so you lovely people can read all
about those day-to-day things that leave me stuttering in anger (I can barely
get out a complete sentence through my gritted teeth when I'm at the grocery
store). So I bring to you a new series I'm simply going to call "Things I
Hate."
It's
not like I'm an old crabby lady who hates adorable little puppies walking up
the sidewalk. I want a dog someday! Really I do! They're the closest
thing you can get to buying a friend! But living in a city where having a
dog is a status symbol seconded only by having an iPad, they tend to get on my
nerves pretty quickly.
I
suppose this blog could easily be titled "Things I Hate: People Who Have
No Social Decency," because that seems to be what really bugs me about
dogs: the owners who think their dog's heart-warming brown eyes gives them the
right to leave a big pile of their dog's fecal matter lying right in the middle
of a busy sidewalk. Nothing's better than seeing those brown smeary
footprints making their way up the street, and that's when my mind starts to
wander, and I think about the poor unsuspecting person who's day began with a
nice walk through mammalian waste.
To
be honest, I think I'd prefer it if the owners themselves just dropped their
pants and took a giant dump right on the sidewalk. Sure there'd still be
annoying feces to dodge on my morning commute, but at least then I'd get a good
chuckle when I can point and laugh, "Hey! Lookathat guy taking a crap on
the sidewalk!" Seriously, New Yorkers, one of these days when I see you
walk away without cleaning up your dog's messes, I may snap, chase you down,
and poop right on your expensive shoes, because that's pretty much what you're
allowing your pet to do. And it's... it's just WRONG!
You've
also got people who think that we respect their unhealthy attachment to their
quadrupedal amigo enough to allow them to walk into our public businesses.
It doesn't take a Math genius to understand why trying to walk your dog
through a grocery store is a bad idea. For
those of you who need an arithmetic refresher, always remember: Please Excuse
my Dear Aunt Sally.
(your dog's nose + another dog's butt) + (your dog's nose + my produce) = NO WAY IN HELL AM I EATING THOSE APPLES!
I
wonder what your dear Aunt Sally did to piss off the whole world. Seriously.
Why are elementary school children everywhere begged to please excuse her?
PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T CLEAN UP AFTER HER DOG!
Dog
owners, practice at least an ounce of social decency when taking your dog out
in public. I love seeing your cute golden retriever as much as the next
guy. But next time you allow it to a) destroy a pair of my dress shoes,
b) flood the sidewalk with a golden Nile, c) defile my avocados and plums, or
d) block the entrance to the subway station JUST LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE ME MISS MY
TRAIN...
Ok.
I'm done whining for the day.
